Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
