If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
