The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
