Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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