captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize