How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I need a beard to bite.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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