So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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