So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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