I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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