I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
