Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
