Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You can't special order awesome
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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