dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
