My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
