One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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