my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
