On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
