Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
