she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
