You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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