Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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