The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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