my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
