i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
