so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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