i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
