Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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