Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
