Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
