sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
