You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
