he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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