I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
