I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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