So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
