I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
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