you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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