I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He shit in the fireplace
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
