He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
