So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
