Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
