At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
