I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
