i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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