i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
