yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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