I'll bet she douches with gravy.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
