census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
