Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
