u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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