Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
